Both moms and dads are struggling under the stress of parenting today. It is just not easy to work and raise a family. We don't have the social supports and extended family relationships that would help make our lives less hectic. Through my daily work with fathers I have become aware of certain questions and observations about what it means to be a dad. Being the parent of two children myself I have observed how much I have learned about myself through being a father.

The evolution of the modern American family, where both parents are employed, has created the necessity and the opportunity for American fathers to participate more directly in the early years of their children's lives. Today's dad is expected to be a more equal partner, a co-parent, in raising his child. But there is more "in it" for men today than just the "chores" of babysitting. When men discover parenting gives them purpose and meaning in a way no other experiences can, then "babysitting" and "childcare" is transformed into fatherhood. Becoming a more caring and compassionate person, knowing your life does make a difference and that you can make an impact on the world is what fatherhood is all about. Even with all the stress and frustrations that come with the early years of parenting and all the life long adjustments that we need to make it, still is obvious that nothing humanizes us as men more than being able to care for our children.

In the father's group that I lead, many fathers comment on how they never had any close contact with their own fathers, a fact that makes them aware of how important being "present" in their children's lives is. Other fathers say that being with their children feels like a more creative option than potential career advancement. As new fathers begin to take on more of the day-to-day care of their children, they are entering what has traditionally been "women's territory". Many fathers that I have worked with say that after trying to develop a close relationship with their newborns, they find themselves retreating to a more traditional role and fear that they will become the distant fathers that they themselves had. It has become quite clear to me that if men are to develop closer relationships with their children and to be more involved in the workings of their families' daily lives, then they have a lot to learn. And men are going to have to help each other out and educate themselves about the deep satisfaction that comes from parenting.

It sometimes seems as if a natural bond between women occurs when they become mothers. Women seem to develop a special deepening of friendship that comes with sharing the experience of motherhood. In contrast, men seem to become isolated from other men as family responsibilities and adjustments are made. Why don't men seek out other fathers for support and advice? Society seems to force men to compete with other men and they have become intimidated to the point where they are no longer willing to take the risk to make new friendships. As men try to understand their role as fathers, it can seem too overwhelming to reach out to other men. Not having any role models to show them what kind of friendships are available to new fathers leads them to feel that they have to go it alone. Having children, becoming fathers, is such an important event in men's lives, I wonder how they can not want to share this event with their male friends!

My clinical research has taught me that when men become fathers it is crucial to their adult development to be with other fathers to talk about this important life transition and how it is affecting them. Throughout history, men have had opportunities to share their life experiences with other men. Sharing these events has been an important part of men's overall life experiences. Their emotional and psychological well being has often been anchored in their social relationships with other men. In the last 70 years the industrial and office oriented work style in America has caused men to become isolated from each other. This becomes particularly problematic when men become fathers. How are fathers to understand all the many emotional and psychological changes they encounter as they become fathers if they have no one to talk with, share with and learn with about all the many changes that parenthood brings?

As men begin to talk about their experiences as fathers together they can begin to build a bridge to the important relationships that men once shared with other men. They can have a common ground of experience on which to relate. A new model of fatherhood can begin to evolve. The importance of exploring and sharing with other fathers is of great benefit not only to men, but also to their children, their mates, their families, and ultimately to American culture and society as well.

Bruce Linton has been a member of EBCAMFT for over 15 years. He is the coordinator of the Fathers' Forum programs which offers classes, workshops and men's groups for expectant and new fathers. Bruce specializes in working with fathers and couples with young children in his private practice. For more information about the Fathers' Forum visit their website at: ww.fathersforum.com

Note: This article reflects the opinions of the author and not necessarily those of
East Bay CAMFT.